iPhagina

Early one afternoon, a young, blonde woman approached the busy pharmacy counter and asked a female assistant if she could speak to the pharmacist about an issue her friend had. She mentioned that her friend had a rash and had sent a picture via sms to the young, blonde woman's iphone. My young assistant approached me at the dispensary counter to notify me that a lady was waiting, her friend had a rash and she had a picture of it on her phone.

It was quite a busy moment and I had to pass the message on that I would finish the prescriptions I was preparing. The blonde woman patiently waited five minutes for me to dispense and counsel my current client.

Upon finalising the sale, I approached the young, blonde woman and asked, "So, your friend has a rash?"

The blonde woman pulled out her iphone while explaining that her friend was too embarrassed to seek help herself, but obviously not so embarrassed that she could send a friend in to show me the photo. The picture, as it happens, was a lady's vagina, shaven, with a small tuft of blonde hair around the top of the labia and an indiscernible rash in-between her bottom 'lips' and the shadow of her right leg.'Oh... that's why it's embarrassing,' was my first thought.

You may be thinking that my second thought was, 'This lady is blonde. The (limited) hair I see in this photo is blonde. It's probably just her own pussy!'

Instead, being a guy, I was thinking, 'Don't smile. Don't laugh. Don't smile. Don't laugh. Don't smile. Don't laugh... ' And much of the reason I found this situation funny, aside from the unexpected private parts, and my gender, was remembering back a few months earlier. Another assistant at the same pharmacy had a similar situation where a woman showed a phone picture of her infected pussy, to which the assistant replied, "Umm... you should probably see a doctor..." Then complained in a hilarious manner, once all customers had left, that she doesn't work in a pharmacy to look at people's private parts. Go to the doctor when it's that bad! You really had to be there... it was quite a funny response...

During the current exchange, I managed, with great difficulty, to remain professional and indicated that the picture was of poor quality and I couldn't really diagnose the rash. The blonde woman's 'friend' should go to the doctor to have it properly examined.

While we were discussing this, the blonde woman's 'friend' sent another, clearer image, somewhat proving it wasn't the woman's genitals standing before me and most likely a real friend without the inverted commas. This new image showed some possible blisters, but it was still too difficult to tell. From the information gathered and the poor quality photos, I believed the most likely cause of the rash to be herpes. Again, I referred her to the doctor, denoting, as herpetic rashes are cause by a virus, that we had nothing over the counter to help treat it and that it is always best practice to have the doctor examine the rash to ensure an accurate diagnosis. I also mentioned that the doctor could write a prescription for antiviral therapy that could assist, another reason she should see the doctor.

The young, blonde woman finally left after I had handed her a list of doctors her friend could visit. Then I was able to let my facial muscles express what they had wanted to do the whole conversation, "Hahahahaha..." Such relief!

Phunky Phagina

One quiet afternoon, working in a cosy shopping centre pharmacy, a woman and her toddler son came in to fetch some fairly unremarkable items - the first being just some regular Band-aids. At the time, there were probably another two to three customers being served by other pharmacists or assistants closer to the service counter.

I escorted her to the Band-aids as she requested, then I asked her what the other item was she was looking for.

She replied with, “I’m just after some Gamophen soap.”

Before I could utter a word, her son chimed in loudly, “To wash your vagina!”

I paused for a moment, bathing myself in the awkwardness of the situation and said something I somewhat regret, directed back at the young toddler, “Um… probably a bit more information than I needed, but here is the Gamophen,” as I pointed out its location to the mother.

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Gamophen Soap is a medicated soap containing Triclosan that acts as an antibacterial and can help to reduce body odour.

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I believe she felt lucky that no one but myself seemed to hear her son's exclamation.

After this uncomfortable incident, I could only wonder at how amazing it is that kids can struggle to comprehend lessons at school, but pay enough attention at places like the General Practitioner's office to repeat the most embarrassing of conversations. Children are full of comedy gold!

Phresh Phemale*

One morning, a mother and daughter come into the pharmacy, and while the daughter stood behind in dark glasses, the mother asked for a specific Betadine product, Betadine Antiseptic Solution 500mL in quantities of at least 4. That's a lot of Betadine!

NB: I couldn't find any reference to the Betadine Antiseptic Solution 500mL on www.betadine.com.au so here it is on the picky pets website as proof it exists: Betadine Antiseptic Solution 500mL (Click me). What a funny poodle in pink glasses...

Continuing on, this product we didn't keep in the pharmacy so I asked if it was ok to use a replacement antiseptic we had in large quantities, Chlorhexidine scrub.

The mother answered, "No, the Surgeon told my daughter to use the Betadine only."

Being intrigued as to why one person would need to use that much solution after surgery, I had to ask what it was for, "Why would you need so much Betadine after surgery?"

The mother replied again, "We just arrived back from Thailand this morning and the surgeon in Thailand told us we need large quantities of Betadine Solution to irrigate my 'daughter's' new vagina."

"WHAT THE F...!!" is what I said in my head.

What I really said while trying my hardest not to say something that might offend or be too loud for other customers to hear was, "Ah, ok. I can order that in through our supplier and have it in by this afternoon."

God damn that was difficult to say without the expression on my face changing! I think they may have noticed my eyes suddenly widen with surprise before I said anything though.



*Further Thoughts:
You probably assume, as I did at the time, that the 'daughter' was originally a 'son,' due to the mentioning of a 'new' vagina and the fact that Thailand is full of lady boys - just take a visit to Patpong in Bangkok! I never asked the specifics at the time, that would have been just as embarrassing for me as it would have been for the daughter, but I have heard of cases where girls were born with short vaginal tracts. It's called Vaginal Hypoplasia and often associated with Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome. Obviously it causes problems, specifically so with intercourse when the length or the vagina is below 6cm. So the daughter may have been a girl with AIS, and the logical reason they chose Thailand to have the surgery is because the surgeons there have plenty of experience producing new vaginas.

Phungal Inphection

A lady came into the pharmacy late one night, brunette, skimpy clothes, rather tatty looking and was immediately served by a pharmacy assistant at the counter. Without any regard to her own privacy, says, "Can I have some Canesten please? My pussy is sore."

While speaking, she held her hands down near her crotch and began writhing her body as if she needed to go to the toilet. The assistant, a little surprised by the openness of this woman began following the protocols for such a request, "What symptoms do you have at the moment?"

"My pussy is sore. Please, I do like 20 guys a night! I need some Canesten," she replied while still writhing at the counter.

"Uh... ok. Do you have any itching?" The assistant asked

"Yes."

"Any discharge?"

"A little."

"What colour is the discharge? Is it white and cottage cheese like or a different colour?"

"It's white. Please! My pussy is sore! I need to work!" The woman, which can confidently be called a hooker now, continues to squirm.

The assistant, having received just enough information from the woman, shows her the range of Canesten products we supply and suggests the once pessary and cream. "You shouldn't 'work' until the infection's gone and see a Doctor if it doesn't clear," the assistant added.

"I know what I'm doing," The woman retorted, "Thanks."

The assistant put the sale through the register and the woman then left the premises.

For those unfamiliar and those that didn't notice I had already included links to Canesten in the story, more information on Canesten can be found here: Canesten. Oh, and a bit about vaginal thrush, also known as vaginal yeast infection, can be found from the global Canesten website here: Vaginal Yeast Infection.

Prophylactic Problem

A lady came into the pharmacy one afternoon and asked to speak to whoever was in charge. At the time, I was still an undergraduate, so the pharmacist in charge, when she wasn't busy, went to assist the lady.

"I would like to return this product," the lady announced, "It doesn't work!"

The pharmacist inspected the item in question and it turned out to be a 75g tube of spermicide. "I'm sorry ma'am, but we can't return medicinal products, especially if they have been opened and used," The pharmacist replied.

"Well, I'm pregnant, so you have to! It didn't work!" The lady retorted.

"I'm sorry, but I can't. You've used all of the product, if everyone did that for all the products in the pharmacy because they 'didn't work,' eventually there would be no pharmacies!"

The lady, getting angrier now, said, "So I ate this stuff every time I had sex for nothing! It tastes like CRAP!"

The pharmacist, shocked by the lady's answer, lowered her voice to a whisper, "Um, ma'am... you swallowed it? This is meant to be inserted... you know... down stairs..."

"What? It doesn't say it on there." The lady checked the tube of spermicide, "Insert the spermicide deep into your vagina... oh, it does." The lady reduced the tone and fierceness in her voice, "I'm sorry, this is embarrassing. I didn't realise."

The pharmacist, feeling sorry for the lady then said, "Look, considering this has caused you some embarrassment and nobody offered to explain to you how to use it when you bought it, how about, as a gesture of good will, I give you 15% off any pregnancy, breastfeeding or baby product? I'll write it on a voucher for you so you can purchase it any time in the next year. And to reduce this problem happening again, I will personally apply some 'vaginal use only' stickers to the spermicide tubes and encourage my staff to ask if the person knows how to use it when they buy it."

The lady, a little happier, replied, "Ah, yes, that's sounds ok. Thank you."

The lady took the voucher and left the pharmacy quietly.

Dirty Phingers

A young couple of central Asian descent came into the pharmacy late one night requesting the morning after pill, also known as emergency contraception. The girl filled out the questionnaire as required and the pharmacist begun to counsel her. At the time I was still an intern pharmacist, but was able to witness this interaction first hand.

While the pharmacist was counselling, the boyfriend interrupted and asked, "Is it possible to get pregnant if you cum on your hands then put your fingers into your girlfriends pussy?"

The pharmacist replies, "It's very unlikely, you'd have to put your fingers up a fair way into the vagina, but I guess it could be possible."

Meanwhile, the girl says to her boyfriend, "Come on! Lets go. we don't need it."

The boyfriend continues, "What if you come on your hands 4 hours before then put your fingers into your girlfriend?"

"You came on your hands and didn't wash them for 4 hours?!?!" The pharmacist replied in shock. "Get out of here, you don't need it!"